I’m not a huge fan of definitions, I don’t particularly want society to place any form of expectation on me based on my gender, age, colour, job title, relationship status, the food I eat, the shape of my body or the choice of clothing I wear to cover it…
But…
If there is one classification that has the best chance of defining who I am, that honour would humbly go to the title of…
Father.
Or perhaps you may prefer the term Dad, Pappa, Padre, お父さん, पिता, Baba or Cha but no matter the terminology, it is a role that comes with it’s own inherent set of challenges which is an exhausting experience but I’m more committed to this role than Matthew McConaughy playing Ron Woodroof in Dallas Buyers Club, although my dedication will not gain me any critical acclaim or an Oscar win.
I’m pretty sure my perception of fatherhood has been tainted by the absence of my own father, whom I used to think of as more of a mythical character from an ancient legend; because I related to him through my fictional imagination and in the process created a magical ideal of who I thought he should be as opposed to who he actually was.
We physically met for the first time when I was twenty four and with no shared body of experience to fall back on (other than a few photographs, letters and an occasional phone conversations) our first meeting was surreal and strange at best.
Although meeting my father did provide me with an opportunity to understand a set of external circumstances that ultimately allowed me to experience this crazy thing we call life. It’s a constant swirling dichotomy to feel indebted to a man who had more of a profound influence through his absence than active involvement.
This does not make him a bad person neither does it guarantee, if he were more proactive my childhood would be filled full of rainbow coloured wonder. I understand he did his best with the capacity of understanding he had at the time, which probably has a lot to do with the absence of his own father…but it’s a shame…as I have a very disconnected relationship with a man, that is only tied together through biology.
Since being inducted into club fatherhood over a decade ago, I realise just how essential it is for a child to be around a strong, nurturing male presence; not strength in terms of physicality but in terms of character. With my own children, I realise the weight of influence I can carry through just the tone of my voice and more importantly my sons are around a male who understands first-hand how to navigate the turbulent cyclone of testosterone that has the capacity to overwhelm logic.
The lack of prominent father figures has negatively destroyed communities and there is more than enough research to suggest that positive relationships between children and their fathers contribute to better academic performance, less criminality, reduced promiscuity, better participation in later relationships, developed emotional intelligence and better mental health.
Perhaps by reading this you can recall the power of influence a negative or positive relationship with your own father has had on your very soul, therefore I do not deserve any extra credit for not running away from my parental responsibilities like my father (or his father before him) but watching a child (that you’re partly responsible for introducing into the world) grow and develop their own unique brand of individuality is one of the few experiences that is worth more than all the gold medals won in Rio.
Until next time.
I’d love to read more about the joys and challenges of being a real father. There is so much out there about motherhood but next to nothing about the incredibly important role of fatherhood. Btw Your boys are adorable!!
-Billie
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I wish the importance of fatherhood generally got more focus, but I take nothing away from the glory of motherhood either! Thanks for your lovely words! 😊
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what a great pic.
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Thanks! 😊
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Just beautiful. Father’s are so important! Mine died when I was eight but he was such an amazing Dad who had all the time in the world for us when he was alive which I am truly grateful for. Beautiful pic too!
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It must be incredible to have had such an amazing man in your life, I wish I had a stronger connection to my father, but I think my fathers absence makes me strive to be a better father. Thanks for your kind words 😊
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Mr Pierre
You have a beautiful family! true happiness and kindness doth permeate and that is the real measure of the man.
🌞
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Thank you so much for your kind words and I agree with your sentiment entirely. 😊
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That is a ridiculously beautiful photo!
And, once again, your words are that lightning bolt of “wow….truly NEVER thought of it that way!” You may have the most honest blog name/tag line yet.
But your words are enlightening and they ring so very true. The absence of a father figure is just as instructive, in a lot of ways more so, as the presence of the same. Well put, my friend.
I’m imagining the painstaking, detailed work you’ve probably had to put in as a dad (where others may have taken such duties for granted), and I can imagine your ever watchful presence as a father. Sometimes there is nothing more motivating than “a lack of” or “the absence of” to drive us forward.
I know this tenet too well. My “father” was a mistake as a human life form. I won’t get into it, but as far as “absentee fathers” go, if mine had been so, let’s just say THAT would’ve been much better for me. 😉
Another truly excellent write.
~JM
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Wow thank you so much for you’re very kind. Being a Father is important but in many ways I’m glad my father wasn’t too involved, but I do wish fathers would take their role more seriously.
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This is brilliant! Can so relate from a mothers point of view…giving my children what I didn’t get. Making sure compared to my childhood, that theirs is filled with love most importantly. And praying for mothers too, embrace your precious gifts now
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Thank you, all parents work hard, but as you say it really is unconditional love that is everything. It’s the hardest job in the world but the most rewarding 😊
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This was a very well-written piece. Fatherhood today has it’s challenges and one of the biggest ones for me (and I’m sure many other men) is showing the kind of emotion and empathy that we men probably didn’t receive from our dads.
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A father has a powerful influence on a child. I have learned to be a better father through my children. Thank you for your kind words 😊
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I couldn’t have said it better. I have become a better person and parent because of my son.
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