So, in an attempt to try something new, I would like to ask both casual and regular readers to watch the video clip attached below with comedian and TV host Steve Harvey answering a question posed by seven-time Grammy winning, multi-platinum selling, R&B vocal goddess Toni Braxton…
He can’t breathe without you?
As an asthmatic I can tell you with authority, it’s bad enough experiencing that sensation without the aid of an inhaler, so I’m not too sure I want undergo that feeling just because I’m not in the vicinity of my fiancé.
At this point it’s fair to say to yourself “But Tyrone, you know he wasn’t being literal right!?” Yeah, I know… but I’m not too sure if he was giving counsel that was totally genuine or Disney infused advice that sounded good for television? Do you know what I mean?
You have to remember this is the same Steve Harvey that wrote the New York Times best seller Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, therefore without question, Mr Harvey has more profound relationship wisdom to offer the world than I, however I do think that within a relationship (no matter how early the stage) the emphasis shouldn’t necessarily depend on your sense of orientation when you are apart from one another, but rather what happens when you share the same physical space.
In a digital age it’s pretty easy to “check in” on each other and state just how much you love or miss your significant other and I don’t knock it because I do it to…but what is the point of all the affectionate texts, WhatsApp messages, phone calls or dedicated “couple selfie” Instagram and/or Facebook posts, if it isn’t reflective of real life interactions?
So at this point you may scowl at the screen you are reading from and ask yourself “Are you suggesting there is something wrong with me, if I miss my lover?”
No.
Because I do think Steve Harvey was onto something; there really is nothing like good company, which is not to be confused with a babbling stream of conversation. I simply mean a situation where you can freely ebb and flow between interactive dialogue and deeply comfortable silence.
Really good company is akin to watching your favourite television series and realising you only have two episodes left until the end of the season. What do you do? Do you panic and start to hyperventilate? Or do you feel a little empty inside but live in the comfort of knowing you can invest in those characters again when the new season returns.
I have made no secret that I have been through a variety of romantic, casual and committed situations and somehow managed to survive, with my soul intact. I think great company could arguably be the number one quality that an individual should look for on the quest to find that special someone, however even if it doesn’t take the number one spot, just like the song Thunder by Imagine Dragons, it should at least crack the top 10.
I have had many people who believe my theory to be an outdated concept in this swirling tornado of a digital existence we live in, but even if you met your significant other through the use of technology (as referenced in You Mean, I Didn’t Have To Actually Go On A Date!!?) much like Eleven, Dustin, Mike, Lucas and Will, you’ll eventually have to move from the upside down and figure out how to deal with our actual reality.
So, I wouldn’t worry too much about the person who makes you feel light headed or breathless as soon as they leave a room, I wouldn’t even be too concerned if the person of your affection doesn’t feel the need to text you every five minutes. If you get to the stage where you and your mate can sit in a room alone and enjoy the pleasure of each other’s company within the same shared space, that is a good indication you should be able to cope pretty well apart from one another.
I love my fiancé dearly and I do miss her company more often than I care to admit, but if you ever see me walking by myself, struggling to breathe, sweating with a high fever, it’s not because I’m not with my fiancé, it’s because I need a paramedic or a doctor.
Until next time.
In that clip with Steve, one thing I think he doesn’t really clarify is whether that “can’t breathe” feeling is infatuation or love. What he describes, or at least the way he describes it, sounds more like infatuation – which isn’t a good way to discover “the one.” In this world of instant everything, I think people are having a harder time of discovering the one because people fall into instant infatuation.
What you describe, however, I do believe is love. Being secure in a relationship and not having to “check in” (or feel the need/obligation to do so) and also being able to be in the same space and not fill the “empty” with needless chatter are indications that you both feel safe and that you both are comfortable with who the other person is without having to constantly fulfill or entertain the other. That isn’t an instant feeling, that is something that sustainable over time. Does that make sense?
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What you say makes perfect sense 😊 I do understand that in those early stages in a relationship are an overwhelming, headtrip of emotion, I’ve experienced this type of sensation myself.
Not that my relationship is perfect, but I do think the emphasis should be on the quality of the time together than time apart…which I think it more difficult in a digital age.
Thanks for the comment though, as reading made me realise that there are “stages” that we all go through in a relationship. 😊
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So, let me play devil’s advocate a bit. Let’s say you were in a relationship where you and your significant other have yet to share the same physical space, but you still deal with absence in the form of not being in contact. When you do finally spend time physically, are you already ridiculously good at coping with being apart?
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A GREAT question! Hmmmm? I think so? But let me first say, there is nothing wrong with missing someone when you are apart, we are human after all.
But even when I’ve loved someone deeply, I do miss them, but I don’t get too crazy or start panicking because I look forward to when I’m going to see them again, but I’m able to get on with life until then…but maybe that’s just me?
Do you cope well when you are apart from someone you care about roseinfullbloom?
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That’s not an easy question to answer, as there are different levels of caring, but for the sake of argument, let’s just refer to my other half.
He and I have yet to meet physically, so I can’t truly determine my reaction to being apart from him. Our world is different. Sometimes he and I will go days and even weeks without hearing from the other, and it drives me absolutely insane. However, I am a very cerebral person. While I may feel pain on the inside, I rarely let it affect my outer emotions and my actions as a whole.
Now to zero in on your question, I do cope well, externally. But when I’m missing him, he’s all I can think about. I begin to fantasize more than usual. Every song I hear or movie I watch is some how relating to us.
I don’t have full on panic attacks or break down in any way. I hold it down for him and I keep doing what I gotta do. I’m a strong black woman and I need to handle my business, but I can’t say I don’t feel the effects of his absence.
Does that make sense? I’m kinda all over the place with that answer. Lol.
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Excuse my delayed reply, I’ve just needed a little time to think about my reply…
I think it’s totally cool (and exciting) to think about what could happen when you meet…but the real test will be how things unfold when you are together. Will he fall short? Or will he exceed expectations?
I guess you’ll never know until you meet in person, now I do think it’s 100% fine to miss a person, but I can’t help but feel that any relationship has to be based on what happens in the same physical space.
I wish you all the best, and hope to hear about how things develop 😊 if you have time (not a cheap plug) please read…
https://tyronepierre.com/2017/05/29/you-mean-i-didnt-have-to-actually-go-on-a-date/
I think that may a answer the question better than I have done! 😂😂😂
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I figured it would take a while to mull over. No worries.
Here’s what I’ve been doing that you’ve just made me realize I should add to my blog… Have no expectations. It’s far easier than most people realize. How can he fall short if I never expected him to go far?
I know what I want from him and I have an idea of what he’ll be like in person, but I force myself to let go of what I think I know, and let him show me what he’s all about. Nothing can be truly known until we are together, you are right. And I can’t be disappointed or hurt because I hold him to his own standards. Good or bad, I’m going to deal with it as it comes. No disappointment needed.
Thank you so much for the good wishes and I read your piece. It’s interesting to see what this looks like from the outside and yet you hit the nail right on the head. 😊
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Yeah, me too – call a doctor. If I can’t breathe, it’s not cos I’m missing my man…
There are so many different stages to a relationship – and a good one – well, you sort of settle into it once the early stages are over. You want to know how you know you’ve got there? It’s when you stop worrying how you look, how you’re dressed (yeah, c’mon, it’s not just women who get into that state!), whether you’ve said the right or wrong thing, it’s when you start noticing that the other person is so attuned to you, so on your wavelength that the worrying stops. Oh and by ‘attuned to you’, I don’t mean fully accepting of opions – me and mine certainly aren’t, we’re like chalk and cheese on many things – I mean that your partner could have been born along with you.
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Actually Val, upon re-reading the comments I think I should have mentioned that the “infatuation” stage tends to happen in the beginning. I remember being soooooo nervous after my first date worrying about if she liked me or not.
But as you say, I think you can get to a stage where you can relax and start enjoying the time you spend together rather than worrying about the time you spend apart.
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Also – spending time apart can be very good for your relationship because it helps you, as an individual, to kind of find yourself again. People in close relationships often don’t see how much they are becoming like the other person and lose sight of themselves.
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Typo alert. For ‘opions’, real ‘opinions’.
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