Without insulting the intelligenza of my wonderful audience below are a few simple maths sums…
2 x 10 = 20
5 x 4 = 20
5 + 10 + 4 +1 = 20
X = 20 (in algebra)
80 ÷ 4 = 20
2(5 + 10) -10 = 20
A few months back I wrote a post called The Road to Rejection, detailing my first memory of romantic rejection at the ripe old age of 10. This is an unintended sequel, that takes place ten years later, as my naïve innocence was corrupted by dealing with a reality that was nothing like mainstream Hollywood influenced me to believe.
By the time I was 20 years old, my first relationship had ended and my confidence had taken an impactful blow, I didn’t think I could recover from. I was in an uncharted emotional space where I didn’t have the capital to invest in another relationship, yet I still yearned for female companionship. It was at this point “Ms X” provided me with the perfect blend of what I was looking for.
(Sidebar: Unlike the prequel to this sequel, the identity of the person involved must remain anonymous, so I will refer to the participant involved as Ms X, as not only is this in good taste, but it’s very possible she might be out there reading my interpretation of events)
Ms X and I were never officially “an item” but were good friends and without question there was an upspoken, undercurrent of sweltering sexual tension, so tangible you could almost touch it.
One evening Ms X invited me back to her humble abode, to hang out, and when I arrived all the Hollywood clichés were in place; soft burning candles from IKEA, light refreshments and soulful ballads playing in the background sung by R&B super group Boyz II Men.
We conversed, laughed, flirted, and smoothly ushered our way into 2 a.m. and while I attempted to stay ice cool on the outside, my brain cells were desperately gathering evidence that would determine whether I could make the evening (or should I say morning?) an intimate one.
The rolling tide of attraction was strong, so I moved with the momentum, as we awkwardly transitioned from the downstairs sofa to the upstairs bedroom.
Everything felt organic, as I continued with my attempt at foreplay and just as the moment was approaching for the two of us to become one, Ms X deeply exhaled..
“No.”
“Huh?” I said.
“No, I can’t, I just don’t want to.”
“Are you sure?” I replied (desperately clinging onto hope that Ms X would change her mind)
“Yeah, I’m sure”
“Err, okay”
And with that I had no other option but to discontinue, as I felt awkwardness, confusion and rejection assault my insecurities all at the same time.
But why share this story in the first place? What value does this true-life yarn possibly hold?
Well…
I am a bit fed up of the implication by Angela Lansbury or anyone else, who thinks that unwanted sexual interaction or harassment falls on the side of the victim…it doesn’t. Regardless of gender, a victim of harassment or an unwanted sexual advance is not held responsible for the undesirable act simply because they were wearing an item of clothing that was too tight, consumed a little too much alcohol at the Christmas party or are deemed too physically attractive.
I was invited over, everything was consensual, we were in her bedroom, heartbeats were accelerating as our bodies, passions and insecurities were being exposed. Of course, you could attempt to put together the threadbare, misguided argument I had unspoken licence to move with my primal, sexual urges because I had reached a point of no return, so there was no going back?
I don’t buy it.
Emotions are complicated and not the easiest feelings to navigate or control all the time. I do not pretend for a moment that I have mastered mine. I’m wide open to the fact that mistakes can be made and signals can be misinterpreted, we are allowed to make mistakes but what value does a mistake hold, if we make no attempt to learn or grow from it?
This form of rejection hit me harder than most, as I did not think (at the time) it was possible to reach such a level of physical intimacy, then have the wind change direction so suddenly. But at no time did the body of Ms X, belong to “my primitive desire” and respecting that simple fact meant that neither of us walked away from the situation with the title of perpetrator or victim.
Some problems need more than one approach to arrive at a common answer…helping children deal with rejection or disappointment is one method we can use or teaching young people (and older) that no matter how sexually advanced things get, you always have the right to change your mind. Legislation is another way, open conversations between men and women is another because you need all variable methods, both simple and advanced, to help us arrive at the same answer.
Until next time.
Good post!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you my friend 😊
LikeLike
That’s an interesting story. I’d be asking myself at what point did she decide that she wasn’t into you? And if it was late in the piece, I guess that’s fine, but it’s also sort of not. I don’t know that I would ever do that to a guy – maybe I’m too programmed to please? Despite being a pro-sex feminist woman, I feel a certain responsibility to carry through with a promise, even if it wasn’t spoken out loud. The signals that you mentioned were pretty clear. To me, this event seems a lot like game playing, but maybe I am missing her version of events and what led to her decision to end things so quickly. Did you get a second chance? Or any explanation?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I later found out that Ms X was in a long distance relationship (I had no knowledge of that, at the time) but Ms X never offered me a direct explanation. Perhaps it was a game? But I genuinely feel she wanted to be an active participant.
It would have been nice to get an explanation, but I wasn’t entitled to it, it was her body, her choice and I had to respect it.
Not to mention I’m glad she didn’t “go through the motions” if it didn’t feel organic.
Personally, I don’t believe there is a point of no return, but an explanation would have been nice.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is such a fickle situation. In your case, you did the right thing. Had you continued after she told you no BEFORE it began, you would he perpetrator and she the victim.
But what if she let you go all the way without resistance only to say later that she felt pressured to do so? If she chose to call you out on it, you would still be the bad guy.
Every situation is different. There isn’t one rule for this thing because the scenarios are endless.
As a woman, I demand respect on all fronts, but I’m not naive either. I make damn sure that I know what I want before I go to get it. Human nature is human nature. A man can be the sweetest guy ever, but if you chose to tap into his primal desires, you best back it up.
I try to make sure that I never put myself in a situation where I can’t follow through. But we as women have been taught that very thing early on… or at least should have.
What gets me, is the slew of allegations that came out this year. Some arendecades old. Like I said, every situation is different. But some of these seem a bit ridiculous. Like a play for the spotlight.
Decade long careers are being ruined because some women couldn’t handle being catcalled. I know technically it’s harassment, but where I grew up, you learn how to handle that early.
You say some witty sh!t back or punch him in the teeth, depends on your personality. I opt for the latter. But nonetheless it’s life and any woman who doesn’t know how to navigate the stupidity of men is in serious trouble.
I’ve been inappropriately touched before without intentionally egging on the responsible party. But my personality and upbringing wouldn’t let me call the cops or attempt to ruin his whole life. Instead, I dealt with it physically and dared him to call authorities on me.
Every woman has a right to speak out against injustice, but when do you decide to tear someones life apart or handle it yourself?
LikeLiked by 1 person
There are no easy answers to these situations, but as a man, I wanted to present the reality that it is possible to listen to the request of an adult who doesn’t want to go any further.
Consent is key, I don’t think there is a woman who I have been involved with who feels they have to go all the way, if they don’t want to.
Primal urges are strong but don’t let any man fool you into thinking that a primal urge is stronger than a partners consent.
I agree with you, as everyone needs to take responsibility for their own behaviour, if Ms X took hers we would have never have made it to the bedroom.
I deeply admire your strength and like you say there is no “one answer” but I just wanted to offer a slightly different perspective, but what you have said is not lost on me and something I will tackle for part three!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I see! I get your role here. It makes sense and it’s rare that a man holds women in such high regards to actually analyze these types of situations. You’re amazing!
I’m glad to have made you think, and I’ll be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit prideful in helping bring about the next post in the series. 😁
Good stuff though. And thank you for the compliment!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
For some reason, I figured you would have a Martin Luther King day post, since that seems to be everyone’s theme for today on social media blogging.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Shay-lon, with the birth of my daughter (and lack of sleep) I haven’t had the chance to write as much as I would like. Mr King was an incredible human being, so it’s nice to know that he is the inspiration for so much content. I’ll be back with new content very soon though 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
I totally understand Ty 🙂 no worries and no rush sir, You always write something worthy of talk or learning, it is always nice to see your views on things with culture because you have way with words. I hope all is well with your family, my friend.
Shay-lon
LikeLike
It’s a case of mixed and missed signals, Ty. I’ve been in situations like this myself – in the past, in my younger days – when I’ve felt I badly want to sleep with someone then at the last minute have realised I don’t want to. I suspect that in women there’s a different mechanism than there is in men, not to say that you as a man can’t stop – because obviously you can (though some men can’t or won’t) but that as women our bodies and our emotions are too closely interwoven. I’m sorry she let you down like that and I expect she was sorry, too, even if she didn’t say so.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The thing is, I don’t think someone would go that far, then change there mind to play some sort of game.
More importantly, I just wanted to show that a man can stop if he chooses. Men definitely have different behaviours than women, but we’re not total beasts and we can stop, if we choose to.
LikeLiked by 1 person