It’s so annoying when I read articles that say things like….
“According to couples psychotherapist and certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, studies have found that “happy couples have sex three to four times per week.”
Raise your hand if you know anyone who has been asked to be part of a sexual study? Do you know any friends or family members that were asked to fill out questionnaires regarding their sexual activities? A national Census questionnaire is issued to the UK population every 10 years, but I guarantee once you have waded though the sea of questions regarding household income, employment type, relationship status and number of dependants, you will never find a question that dares to ask how much sex you are having each week.
So I have to wonder who conducts these studies on sexual behaviour? Or are we still using the information gathered by sexologist Alfred Kinsey; who initiated studies into sexual behaviour in the 1940’s and 50’s. As ground-breaking and revolutionary as Kinsey’s research into sexual behaviour was, the results represented less than 1% of the total U.S population at the time. So it’s fair to say modern lives, expectations, behaviours and attitudes have moved on since then.
Aside from the accompanying digitally enhanced images of perfect looking couples, what amuses me most about these articles are the eye catching headlines like The 5 Keys To Great Sex, 6 Ways To Make Him Better In Bed or my personal favourite 11 Scientifically Proven Ways To Make Your Orgasms Stronger.
The funny thing is, these written articles are almost always supported by a doctor or sexual therapist you’ve never heard of stating the importance and benefits of the frequency and physicality of sex, but rarely do these articles place enough emphasis on the subtle nature of what is unseen and just how fundamental that is.
Why do none of these articles mention the importance of conversation? I mean genuine conversation where you actually want to listen to the rhythm of dialogue that is spoken. No article mentions just how electrifying an accidental touch of the hand can be or just how warm the depth of a hug can feel. How is it even possible to write such articles and never mention the visual impact of a smile or the ability to hold the attentions of another with the fragrance of words?
Perhaps rather than seeing sex as the ultimate end game it might be an idea to think of such a union as an extended form of conversation that isn’t (necessarily) dependant on words but is one of the greatest languages to learn. Foreplay shouldn’t be seen as just an appetiser before the main meal but rather a hunger to engage in the whole dining experience before you sit down at the table and after you leave the restaurant.
Although you must take this blog post with the same sceptical pinch of salt you would one of those aforementioned eye catching headlines. I haven’t fully considered all the variable external factors like age, energy levels, length of relationships, confidence, religious beliefs, personal philosophy, libido, changing attitudes or prior experience but what I am saying is the next time you read something like….
“20 Sex Positions That’ll Get Her Off Every Time”
If the article does provide you with the answers you are looking for then great! But don’t ever feel that an eye candy headline has to be a reflection or representation of your individual reality. It’s easy to issue bold, attention grabbing generalised statements without ever taking into account the immeasurable variables of unique individual feeling or experience.
Until next time.