“I’m so jealous
I can’t help it I’m not the type who cares to share because I’m selfish.
I’m so jealous, I cant control it.
Ain’t no need to lie about it cause I know it.”
It’s been a while since I have written a post that was inspired by lyrics of a song, but music is such an integral part of my daily existence that another music inspired blog post was bound to take another leap of faith sooner or later.
Speaking of which, the opening quote is from the song, appropriately called Jealous by R&B singer Faith Evans, which means you don’t have to be Christine Cagney or Mary Beth Lacey to work out what theme I’m attempting to tackle for tonight’s episode…
Let me start off by saying I think the early onset of jealously peppered throughout the early stages of any relationship is probably quite normal because lets face it, it takes quite a bit of time and effort to secure the affections of a chosen partner and no one wants to have that hard work undone by any external competition.
Walking the delicate tightrope of a relationship does mean that emotional imbalances will be exposed, so I think most people would like each tentative step taken to be supported with a safety net and no one understands this more than I…
Running into the battlefield of my first few relationships, I was trying to block out every possible obstacle and attempted to calculate every variable that could potentially ease my innate emotional instabilities, made worse given that fact that my insecurities lived by the doctrine that I wasn’t good enough.
At this point I could source authentic, valid reasons that justify, explore or even defend my jealousy. I could look to the embrace (or neglect?) of society, mass media or my adolescence, although surprisingly I am not looking to aim and take down any of the factors that contributed to my feelings of jealousy within relationships…
Strangely enough part of the cure for my jealousy was being on the receiving end of a jealousy more intense than my own. I realised just how destructive and devastatingly potent this emotion had the potential to be.
Jealousy is almost like mainstreams media’s obsession with Taylor Swift’s love life, because it is something that can’t quite be fully understood nor quantified. While some educated scholars may claim that jealousy is healthy if the right dose is administered, I’m just not sure if it is possible to have just the right amount?
So after reading this, you may wonder why I’ve never been invited as a guest on one of Oprah’s Super Soul Sundays episodes? The thing is, I realise the sensations we call emotions should be felt and explored. Jealousy doesn’t disappear just because my life experience dictates that it should.
While I can understand that initially jealously is an understandable feeling, it is an exhausting emotion that if left unchecked can easily move into the dark realm of more controlling behaviours and being in a relationship with a jealous person is like constantly having to find an alibi for a fictional crime scene that never took place.
It’s the most amazing feeling to come to the conclusion that the whole “love yourself” mantra carries both validity and truth, and it is pretty overwhelming to tune out all of life’s distractions and realise that everything you are is enough and jealousy serves no real purpose other than to provide a fleeting sense of security for the insecure.
Until next time.