“About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all.”
Rita Mae Brown
When I originally wrote It Takes Courage To Break Up (Yeah I Said It!) I never thought I would write an unintended follow up. I promise you I am not looking for sympathy, although if you happen to be offering any empathy I’d gladly take a sip from your cup.
Any blogger who has been doing this for any period of times knows there are many posts on the immeasurable, glass shattering impact of heartbreak and relationship break up; therefore I boldly want to go where most bloggers fear to tread and attempt to restore balance. I want to offer you the perspective of someone who recently had the misfortune of bearing the responsibility for a relationship break up.
This post is not an attempt to justify some of the inhumane and cruel ways that some people end relationships, but no matter what you may read in the Google search results, James Ingram was right when he sang “There’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart”
I think sometimes people make the assumption that the person who has initiated the break up has done so on a whim or that it was a simple decision. In my case it took the best part of a decade and during that time period the last thing I wanted to do is be partly responsible for the demise of a relationship.
It isn’t the easiest process, you do feel guilty and often wonder if you did the right thing? But you really have to pay attention and listen to the rhythm of the relationship and no matter how many times you try to piece together a melody, it just can’t work if you can’t get the fundamental harmonies right.
The further time moves forward the harder it becomes to break free; because you become weighed down by friends, family and societies expectations, which more often than not is validated based on the amount of years you have accumulated in a relationship.
I think the whole point of a relationship is to help you to grow and assist you in taking a step closer to who you are, so if you remain open, growing apart helps you to identify the things you don’t want.
It’s not straightforward, especially when you have years, effort, time and children invested. I will admit that for a time it was easier to deal with my ex’s anger because it was far easier to re-affirm my reasons for wanting to break up in the first place; but no one can fire bullets forever and eventually you have to put down your weapons and understand they are human and hurting too.
It is pointless to try and explain why people enter the complex simplicity of a relationship because wanting to connect with another person is such an integral part of the human experience. That being said I never wanted to be one of those people who yearn to be in a relationship for the sake of it; I’ve never believed that having someone is better than having no one at all.
So for anyone who is about to embark on the road less travelled or is initiating a break up, I sincerely hope that you can navigate these treacherous waters with sensitivity and courage…but know that no matter what path you take prepare yourself to be the source of blame for everything that ever went wrong…at least until the dust settles.
It is important to take personal responsibility for your decisions as the “blame” game helps no one, but if you are wearing a relationship that is two sizes too small I urge you to continue to follow your path of truth, it will be hard, you will not garner much sympathy and you won’t ever be acknowledged for breaking a cycle of negativity…but it is human nature to change and evolve…
And that’s okay…
Until next time.
P.S. James Ingram it’s over to you